Today was a tough day…
I had to tell my mom and my boss that I was moving to Colorado.
Of course, my mom supports me. She understands that I have gone through a lot of suffering this last year from both assaults. My boss and co workers are bummed that I am leaving and think that I should stay. I told them that this town just holds a lot of sadness and heartache and I need to learn about myself. They reluctantly understand. Laura told me that I am more than welcome to have my job back if I choose to return to Bend.
I am scared. I fear failure. I am terrified of being alone.
I know I am not alone though. I will have my best friend Jill there, who is a sister to me, I have known her since I was 5 years old. She is reaching out because she can hear the pain in my voice. I want to be this yogi so bad but I end up just allowing ego to take over. I enable sadness…
I am stronger than that.
Kaylee and I did a full moon ceremony. It was simple. We smudged and then we wrote on a piece of paper what we wanted to surrender and what we wanted to embrace. Finally, we set the pieces of paper on fire. Out to the universe.
I want to surrender pain, suffering, fear, sadness
I want to embrace my unique colorful individuality, new beginnings and love.
My potential is unlimited.
I am still sad about Chris(my ex). I really thought he might have been the one. I really thought I found my new aged hippie yoga soul mate. I know my twin flame is still out there. I guess it hurt hurts when someone uses your past to break your heart. Its sad when you allow someone to know you, know what makes your heart smile as well as the reasons why there are shadows. It makes me want to trust less.
I want to let go feeling heart broken.
I want to build my wall a little higher so only those strong enough can climb it. Not these bitch ass men who have been able to because my standards were too low.
I still want to love with my whole heart, but only show the people who deserve the amount of compassion I have.
I want to feel courage for the obstacles that I have overcome, and appreciate the strength.
I want to heal.